Get Outta My Way!

Ah!  Great Monday that followed a spectacular weekend.  It kind of makes starting a new work week a million times better.  This is going to be an interesting week because MY BIRTHDAY IS COMING!  Woo!  I'm excited!  I managed to survive the weekend food wise but alcohol consumption is slowing my progress by a lot.  I need to steady the pace but this week was an anomoly.  I went out Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday nights.  However, I did manage to lose .4lbs at my last weigh in so I need to keep up the pace.

Which brings up my topic for today:  get out of the way.  With the last few days upon me as 25, I've reflected over what has happened over the past year and I have to say that I am truly amazed.  It has been one heck of a year but I find myself being really hard on myself.  That has been the topic of several phone conversations this weekend with friends and family.  So, my first step was to put up a real profile picture of me.  I have a bad habit of putting up ridiculous photos or pictures that have nothing to do with my face because I feel awkward.  I know I'm not butt ugly but I don't know.  My self esteem lacks in certain physical and mental areas.  Speaking of mental shortcomings!  I went to a women's seminar today and they stressed the importance of getting over the "imposter syndrome".  This happens when you think that you have to do everything right before people discover that your an imposter.  It floored me that every lady (there were about 60) in that room had the imposter syndrome.  Even people that I want as mentors!  It just reminds me that having the right frame of mind and attitude can do wonders.  Once you step out of your own way, you will be amazed at what happens in your career.  

Kylie Minogue "Get Outta My Way" 

So with this parting word, I decided that year 26 is going to be the year of service.  Service to myself, friends, family and the community.  I'm going to start tutoring next week (once I get a student) and volunteering at the local United Cerebral Palsy center.  I must keep up the weight loss and open the blog to more people (after cleaning up the format).  Being more involved in my friends lives and keeping in touch with family more.  These are some lofty goals but I know that I can do it once I get out of the way!  Ha!

Close-bus syndrome

One of my favorite blogs at the moment is Very Smart Brothas.  They have a very amusing view of the dating world, pop culture, and random happenings in the world; especially black culture.  One of my favorite articles is about "close-bus syndrome".  Its an unfortunate situation that I figured out I'm in right now.  Granted, I'm not in a relationship or close to one but I know that I am in this category.  The CBS occurs when you are waiting for a bus but the one that you want is running late or hasn't come yet.  So, you decide to take the bus that will get you close enough to your final destination instead of waiting for the right one.  Its a temporary inconvenience that you rather endure than just waiting.  I'm working on the "waiting" part but I know that with the last few guys I've gotten to know, I've been the close bus.  However, I was doing the same thing to them.  I keep finding myself not taking a risk on anyone because I think that someone better is right around the corner.  Maybe he is but he might be standing in front of me and I'm too distracted to take notice.  All I want is a dryer.  Ha!

Anyway, I feel that I can apply this to my weight loss journey as well.  I keep hoping that the big loss will come immediately and I will reap the benefits but I had to take a minute and think about that today.  At this time last year, I was getting ready for the reduction surgery and daydreaming about how great my life is going to be with smaller boobs.  I will be able to run!  Swim!  Wear strapless dresses!  Only wear one bra!  Lose 25lbs instantly!  I was so excited that I completely overestimated the results.  Now don't get me wrong, I am thrilled with how everything turned out but my physique hasn't changed that much.  Instead of losing 25lbs I have lost roughly 15lbs.  I have had to learn how to lower my expectations because my goals were too unrealistic in a short time frame.  And at times I feel like I have taken the close bus because I didn't reach my goals fast enough.  "This is good enough" is not the best frame of mind to have at the beginning of this journey and now that I think about it, I feel like getting off the close bus now.

Erykah Badu:  Window Seat

P.S.  Amazingly, I finished today at 29 points!  Progresso Light Chicken Soup is the best and instead of walking, I'm going salsa dancing.  Yessss.  :-)

Boyzzz

I wish I knew how to embed youtube videos.  That would be amazing.  Anyway, you will just have to enjoy this link of MIA "Boyzzz".  It was my song of the day.  I woke up to it blasting in my head and drove home from yoga with it on repeat.  Granted, I almost ruined the good vibes by listening to "The Scientist" by Coldplay.  Bad choice.  Just like milk.

Well, Biggest Loser is on and I'm texting Sarah and talking to Diana which was a very good conversation.  I just have to say that I love you both very much.  Enough of the sentimental stuff!  This is what I ate today:

2 cups coffee with creamer = 1pt
1 egg roll = 3pts
1 cup fried rice = 8pts
1 cup general tsos chicken = 16 pts
1 bag popcorn = 2 pts
12oz cherry coke = 3pts

33 points for the day.  But, at least I tracked.  As Diana just mentioned to me over the phone, just make a change if what you are doing isn't working out.  Maybe you need to do three days of yoga a week instead of two.  Plus, Sarah mentioned that if you just taking a walk does wonders.  I've been upping the walk this week.  Its small but eventually I'll get back on the ball again.  This journey is turning out to be a lot harder than I thought emotionally and physically.  Maybe I should train for a 5k?  I hate running...ha!

Happy Monday!  Today was a much better food day.  I ate a hearty breakfast to keep me full longer today:  bacon, egg, and cheese on a plain bagel.  Total points:  9.  Followed with lunch with my Uncle Larry in the cafeteria.  I had 1 cup of chili, salad with dressing on the side, and banana nut bread.  I cruised through 1 liter of water, walked one mile in the morning and another mile in the afternoon.  Dinner was Progresso Light Chicken Noodle Soup and it was actually delicious.  Only 2 points!  Out of control!  It reminds me that I need to buy some more soup.  Its cold outside!  IT'S SOUP TIME!  Woohoo!

In other news, nothing is really happening in my life other than MY BIRTHDAY!  It's next week and I can't believe that I have hit the 26 year mark already.  I've been reflecting on the past year and its pretty amazing.  Let's make a list!

1.  Personal make over:  contacts and hair cut
2.  New boobs!
3.  First international travel
4.  Mom's cancer :-( (but she kicked it in the face!)
5.  First cruise
6.  Yellowstone/Wyoming
7.  Still single
8.  Net loss of 14lbs
9.  Bought a house
10.  Finally started yoga

There are some major milestones, set backs and over all goal accomplishing.  After my disastrous weekend, I know that I can do better because I have come so far and in the grand scheme of things I can do much better.  Ladies, keep pushing me because the next year is going to be another tough one.  Hugs!

Lazy Sunday

I feel like my feet are stuck in cement.  I walked around my neighborhood and could barely breathe by the time I got back to the house.  It was a good 30 minute walk at a brisk pace so I just have to stay focused on improving my breathing.  Which is hilarious since its cotton harvest season and I can barely breathe sitting on the couch.  Ah, the joys of living next to a giant cotton field.

I hope your weekend went well.  Mine was a disaster.  I went to dinner Friday night and ate tapas to the point that my stomach ached.  Saturday, I had lunch with a friend at Popeye's followed by frozen yogurt.  Sunday, lunch at McDonald's.  Complete frustration knowing that I'm sabotaging myself.  Not good for my pursuit of happiness.

I had two big moments this weekend as well.  While out on the town this weekend, my roommate Mindy pointed out to me that, "You can't find someone by sitting in the corner!"  It's true.  Mom felt the need to remind me that, "You don't need to settle for foolishness."  Thanks Mom.  I've been sitting around and thinking about those two moments of truth while watching Hitch.  Today is just a random lazy Sunday...

Pursuit of Happiness

Ah, its Thrustday!  Or at least, that was the joyful feeling I had before my weigh in when reality smacked me in the face.  I gained.  I'm back at 223.2 and I am/was so mad at myself.  I walked out, sat in my car and just stared at a tree.  I think I was most disappointed in myself because for some reason I felt that this should be easier.  The equation is simple: eat healthy + move more + water = weight loss.  We even changed up the work out routine!  I just felt like the biggest failure because apparently what I'm doing isn't working.  But timing was my guide back to reality.  I had to get myself together and head to a meeting so I couldn't dwell on it for too long.  Looking back 12 hours later, that lunch meeting saved me from a grand pity par-tay full of cherry coke and snickers.  In fact, my emotions today went from giddy to anger to sorrow to whatever to encouraged to contentment to hopeful.  I'm going to call this "The Pursuit of Happiness."  I know that its a cliche phrase but for the past few days, between my bajillion repeats of Strip Me, I've been listening to "The Pursuit of Happiness" by Kid Cudi.  Granted, his song is a bit more on the negative side but I can relate to the message.  Sometimes, I find myself doing all types of random things to make me happy because I get a fleeting sense of joy and then back to where I started.  If I truly want to make a difference, its all about the journey.  Its the pursuit that makes happiness happen.  During lunch, Morgan told me to get over myself and keep going.  "You have no time to worry about that one stupid pound," she said while I stared at my half eaten sandwich.  "You've come too far to give up now.  It was probably muscle anyway."  That muscle must be pretty developed by this point; its been weeks!

However, by now I'm well aware that today can't be seen as failure because that's not the right way to think about it.  In fact, I've been feeling like a failure because of this plateau and that attitude has kept me stationary.  In order to pursue that happiness, I have to at least move forward and the first step involves changing the attitude.  Hopeful feels really nice right now :-)

Hello!  It's been six days and a lot (lie) has happened!  Since last Thursday was a dark day, I weighed myself at the wellness center and came up a whopping 222.6lbs.  That's the same old plateau that I've been hanging around for the past several weeks so I decided to pick up my activities.  I drove after work Thursday to Charlotte and the weekend was pretty normal.  However, I did run into Mr. Teacher at the local elementary school.  He said, "How are you?" three times in a row and then ended our brief encounter with a pat on the shoulder.  I felt like an idiot.  Anyway!  In order to step up my activity, I volunteered to walk Trooper on Saturday and Sunday.  I was so motivated to pick up the pace that I actually ran.  I RAN!  Can you believe that!?  I haven't done that in years and I felt amazing.  No squeezing lung feeling or gumby legs.  I ran and felt motivated so I have decided to keep it up for the next week and see if I can break through this plateau.  Plus, I walked for 1.5 miles before I decided to run 1/10 of a mile so I need to improve the distance.  With that run, I listened to "Strip Me" by Natasha Bedingfield:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QkdDbeM7RnU&ob=av2e

Absolutely love this song and for some reason it makes me want to cry.  Plus, in church on Sunday the message was to PRESS ON.  No matter what happens in your life, you must press on because it will only make you stronger.  I've been taking that word to heart everyday this week.  So, hopefully this weigh in on Thursday will be a little bit better this week but no matter the outcome, I have to keep moving forward.  Press on, suckas!

Hump Day

Oh Wednesday!  How I don't really care for thee!  Nothing really exciting happened today but I did manage to walk a lot.  I walked for 30 minutes with my coworker this morning and for an hour after work with a friend.  I know that I have to keep this up but tomorrow is going to be a dark day.  That means I won't weigh in for WW tomorrow because of fall break.  What is this mysterious fall break?  Well, back in the day when people had to pick cotton by hand, they would cancel school for a week to take advantage of child labor.  Now and days, we have machines for that but the kiddies still get out of school.  I'll weigh myself at the gym during lunch and post the number.  Not feeling too confident but i'm working one day at a time.

I had jambalaya for dinner tonight with spicy kielbasa and it was delicious.  I looked up the points and 1 serving is 8 points.  I think I had at least two servings.  My goal this week is to drink 1.5 liters of water a day and watch my portion control.  My idea of a portion is grossly over estimated.

Let's get this thing started...

Hey Sarah and Diana!

Since you two are spread clear across the country and I'm stuck in Alabama, I figured this would be the best way to communicate with you both!  To be honest, I think this is the most selfish thing that I have ever done.  This blog is a cry for help!  Finances, relationships and my weight are the three biggest battles I'm fighting and I feel alone.  So!  This is me standing in front of two friends, asking them to support her.  I'm going to try and update this daily or at least several times a week.  But for the first entry, I'm going to tackle two issues:  Mr. Nawlins and Weight Watchers.  Get ready.

Mr. Nawlins
This is a tail of a girl (me) and a boy (Mr. Nawlins).  Out of respect to the culprit and the fact that this is going to be posted on the interwebs, I'll only call him Mr. Nawlins because whenever he gets a chance, he likes to remind me that he is from New Orleans.  And to be honest, I could care less.  Anyway, girl and boy have been chatting constantly for about two months.  They have chatted during work on windows messenger, through text message, evening phone calls, and sporadic weekend lunches at Atlanta Bread.  Unfortunately, all chats have revolved around Mr. Nawlins.  The problem that I am having with him is that he irritates me.  Irritates me to the point that I become bitchy and frustrated and act like a twelve year old girl.  I know that I am better than this situation but I can't let it go.  He says something as a joke and I reply with a scathing remark about his manhood.  I can't help it.  But today was the worst and the first time that I genuinely felt that I need to let him go.  We were talking about one of his personal issues and I gave him advice about how to handle it.  He half way listened by half-assing my advice and expecting me to understand why he did it.  I came to two realizations:  1) what am I expecting from him; and 2) why am I so upset?

I came to both realizations after weeks of debating whether or not I had a crush on him.  I do.  Ugh.  So, if he doesn't take my advice, why should I be upset?  I have no claim to him.  But I know that I want something more to our faux friendship.  I'm just tired of being that female voice in a crowd full of guys and it falling on deaf ears.  Maybe I'm also tired of being looked over in general.  Maybe I just need to chill the fuck out and move on.  I like the last conclusion best.  However, the last conclusion is the hardest to do since he seems to be everywhere.  He says good morning as soon as I sign onto messenger (and if I don't sign onto messenger, he'll send me a text or email).  He texts me on a random weeknight to see what I'm up to.  He joins me for lunch so that I don't have to eat alone.  He asks for my opinion on furniture selection and even decided against buying a sectional sofa because I told him not to.  What the hell am I supposed to think?!  Diana and I had a similar conversation about some other guy (who was that?!) in December.  She told me to either pretend to be friends and let him end it or completely cut him off.  And I cut him off to the point that I don't remember who he was.  Seriously, who was that guy?!  I feel like I've been asking/praying for attention for the longest time and now that I get it, I realize that I wasn't specific enough.  I need more...

Anyway, I hope that random jargon made sense but I just need some guidance.  What should I do?  Pull the plug or end it slowly?  I know that I need to move on.  That's a definite.

Weight Watchers
I'm at a plateau.  I weigh 222.6lbs.  I've been there for about 3 weeks.  At my heaviest, exactly one year ago I was 237lbs.  After the surgery I went down to 231lbs and stayed there until May when I started WW at 229lbs.  I'm a stocky lady.  Ha!  But I wanted to put those numbers on the table to show how much of a journey I have ahead of me.  My ultimate goal is 128 and if you do the math, I have about 94.6lbs to go.  It should take me approximately 2 years to get there; maybe longer at that rate.  I need some accountability which is really why I want to do this blog.  Once I figure everything out, I'm going to track my progress here as a reminder of how far I have come and a way for you ladies to stay on my case.  In the future, I'm going to open the blog up to more friends for support but you two are my bestest and I need you the most.  Please let me know if you have any ideas!  I was thinking of having a gadget on the side to track my daily points and a weight loss ticker.  I weigh in every Thursday.  What do you think?  Good or bad idea?!  TELL ME ANYTHING!  Hahaha!

In conclusion
Thanks for reading my very first blog post.  It only took me two hours to write it!  I miss you so much that it hurts but I'm thankful for the invention of cell phones.  One of these days we shall be together again but until then, let's blog it up!  :-)